Tuesday, 19 August 2014

He liked, she...

...He liked. She loved. He ran...


So on Facebook, a friend did a challenge to people to write a story in six words. This is what i came with.

Funnily enough, I'm not the only one to have experienced anything like this.

Love's a funny ole thing, ain't it?

Friday, 15 August 2014

The Boy from Montserrat

Your song like lilt had me in giggles, for reasons unknown

Except to you, 'it was always you, you know' that easy laughter hiding the demons that need slaying at night.

The Boy from Montserrat, I see beauty of lands I’ve never seen when you neared.
Landscapes, hills, hidden things, glorious thrills, picture the scene

'See this one? She's the one I’ll marry!' you told those within ear shot. 'Timbuktu, Calabar, China, we'll go' you said

'We'd have one boy and two girls, one would be all me, the other you - the middle one, we'd toss a coin to choose' I threw

You'd laugh at my crazy notion
'Where do you find these ideas, dear Hausa girl, no coins, we'll eeny meeny em'

My laughter always frenzied you. I did then. Laugh often. My own fears masked.

So when we fought, it felt like the skies would fall,
No love making to rival the full moon, nor an autumn equinox bring
No goose pimple maps kisses bring
Nothing doing
Corridor passing, sleep tossing, pans slamming, doors shut
How dare he?! I'd thought.

I said no...

The Boy from Montserrat, I did love
The Boy from Montserrat, I gave all
The Boy from Montserrat, I ran from
Of The Boy from Montserrat, I couldn't be sure, just then

But, if you asked me today, I may just say yes.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

In your silence, I’ve heard you

Your silence drags
Across my spirit, my heart and my body
At slow pace, in parts as sharp as lightning and drops of flame
I miss you
I know, I know
They told me to forget you
I’m working on it, I’m working on it
It’s easier said than done
When you torment my dreams
And in my waking hours
I feel like I’m in a day dream
Until it’s at that hour, the witching one
And I reach to touch for you
And I realise, it’s just a nightmare
A mirage, you weren’t really there
Your silence is loud, it’s clear
It’s clear like a sun lit day
As loud as the beat of my heart

In your silence, I’ve heard you
In your silence this disquiet grew under
I wonder. What was it that happened?
I suppose that’s rhetoric really
Because um – I should have known
That that fuck was a fluke
I’m lay here and I’m wondering
Why I want you
When I know you don’t want me for certain
I’m lay here and I’m wondering
Why you sought me out to begin with
I’m lay here and I’m wondering
Do you miss me?
I’m lay here and I’m wondering
Does he even care?
I’m lay here and I know
All of the answers
Why I ask I don’t know
I suppose to answer what I’ve posed to me
Questions to myself

They say I should forget you
And I’m working on this
They say I should forget you
I’m not sure where to begin
They say I should forget you
But, each time I fall asleep, I see you
They say I should forget you
But, my waking hours are like a nightmare
They say I should forget you
I think they are right
They say I should forget you
And as Ogun bears witness
I will someday soon
Someday soon, this will be a distant memory
Someday soon
I won’t wake up and want to reach for you
Someday soon, you won’t haunt my dreams
Someday soon, I won’t cry like yesterday
Someday soon

I wish I could say I hate you, I don’t
I just miss you
I miss the sound of your laughter
I miss our talks about all and nothing
I miss the hug unexpected, welcomed and returned
I miss your kisses down my spine
I miss your fingers tracing goose pimpled maps
Across every single part of me
I miss your frown whilst deep in thought
I miss your smile
I miss your intensity of spirit
I miss your playfulness
I miss your seriousness too
And I know you won’t be back
Frankly, I doubt I want you back
No, not really
And still, I miss you

They said I should forget you
I know they are right
They said I should forget you
I’m trying
They said I should forget you
I know they are right
They said I should forget you
I’m working on it, I’m working on it
This silence
Like nail dragging at snail speed
Across the entirety of me
Boulder like silence, trying to fit into my chest
That hurts the most
And I heard you, in your silence
I’ve heard you
It’s over.

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Your stomach is his

Mum - it's amusing and amazing to me, you are very much like your father
Me - really? How
Her - Well, your stature is similar to his, see that flat curve of your stomach? That looks like it holds nothing and everything? That's his
Me - well, what's yours in me?
Her - Your resilience.
There's silence.
Me - Well, well, i meant physical ma.
Her - i know what you meant. Your humour is his too. All the rest are me.

I was pretty sure my sardonic humour was my mother's. She'd deny this of course, who wants to be responsible for a child that can joke about death? Or like now, say much with so little. I said nothing all the same.

I cock my head to the side and guffaw, my empty flat stomach rising and falling as i imagine this. This unequal split of parts. I always knew i had many parts of my father. Duh you might think!

I thought of my great grand aunt who'd in turn praise the him she saw in me, and insult the him in me that was incorrect to her. Like, that streak of stubborness, she wanted to wane out. Especially, when my no was final. And aged 13, i said no in many ways. I silently rebelled, when i did the dishes but left the tea spoon, or when i feigned sleep so i could write another letter to my mother after lights out. The long limbs that could reach the taller book shelf, the biscuit tin behind the glass cabinet. The gait of kpekpeye she'd say in edo. They'd laugh. I'd look askance, even then, less so now. I understood better. They wanted me to understand. Although, i wasn't sure if i was a duckling in the good or bad way.

Years before that, an aunt would explain in the queen's english, precisely why i was a bastard. I'm aged 8 and confused. Afterall, I saw my father the day before. What did she know anyway. Except, according to the dictionary i'd find she was correct. But, why did she smile when she told me this? She seemed to relish my attempt to reject that label. So she had repeated again ' and this is why you are what a bastard is' she was 13 or 14. She closed the dictionary with the finality of a judge sentencing me to life imprisonment.

I'd now look at these arms, those running legs. My eyes narrowing. To myself i'd say 'oni ma mean enwin' (that doesn't mean anything)

She was talking again

Mum - You know, i think you have one of his ways of thinking too.
Me - does he over analyse too?
Mum - Not always, then again neither do you. I meant your clear logic
Me - it hasn't always served me well.
Mum - No, not always. Sometimes, you must listen, damwe hudun we (listen to your mind)
Me - I tried, ekhor mwen zuo ugbenso (my heart is mostly stupid)
Her - I know, that's why i said your gut or your mind. At the very least rhie ekhor wey le le gbe (take your heart with mind)

I wondered silently, who's that was. Whose heart i inherited. I'm sure that was neither, that was all me.

Neither of us say anything for a moment.

Thursday, 29 May 2014


I don't want your tongue in ma c***
save it for hers
Your pleasures bring much pain
with nothing to gain
why i left it so long
beggars belief
A day's too long
let alone over two hundred
The relief, I've received
Since i relieved maself
From your reach
Can't be illustrated
Unlike your web of lies and untruths
The width of the skies
So wrong.So long
To think of it now
Plain vexes my spirit
"i'm at home with you,give me time"
Save your d*** for her please
It ain't mine to s*** or f***
Nor your lips mine to kiss
A bit dissed, i hiss
Just couldn't see
You for all you are
Manipulating d***
Stupid ought to be ma name
Like the old man searching
For his glasses
Where there's light
Rather where he lost it.
Refused to see.
Asked you once before
Why couldn't you?
Tell it like it is?
"I just wanna f*** you"
See?Least i'd know
Exactly what the score is.
don't you think?
Then again.

Screw being 'strong' for today

If i wanted to be strong today
I’d have called a doctor, not you
I’m tired of being told
‘stay strong’ ‘be strong’ ‘you're strong’ bla bla bla
What is it about this black girl’s pain
That turns your eyes awry
Some friend you are
To tell me to anchor, with 'strength' within, i already did that first!
When i heard, Olokun whispering, calling, a storm brewing,

How can you spout such tripe
When, all i want to do is follow Yemoja
To the base of the river beds
The ocean floors
To see what serene feels like
For just a moment of respite
‘i'm sorry to hear’ some say
Though, i'm almost certain, NOT! Follows
In the smirk and wry smile
Eye corners crinkled with mischief
As if to say 'oh well, you needed that lesson' glee is barely hidden
Pure disdain

I’m sad, i’m tired, i’m angry, i’m in flight, i’m processing, i'm floating
In this very dark moment, I've seen the brightest light sparks
Oh! That’s me? When i come back? To the middle, in sync again, maybe not
I don’t want to be strong, not merely
Not right now, at least not how you define it
Stoic, unmoving, unmoveable, touche indeed
As if my hurting disgusts you
I know you didn't want to know, no not really
I wouldn't tell ordinarily

Not today,
Today i went to dig further
Today you asked how i was
I told you ‘ekk u ekk’
You respond like everyone else
‘stay strong’ 'you've been so strong before'
Well, i’m tired of being this ‘strong’ whatever it means
I don’t want to ‘hang on’
Listen, can you tell me
Why my hurting thing
Makes you wanna holler?

Am i not allowed this human process
Of seeking, of self, of healing, of recovery
How does one stay strong
Without first healing
How do i heal without testimony
How can i testify
If you seek to silence me
With a gagging band aid of ‘be strong’
And you wonder why,
Some days, i’ll still smile
Through the murky strains of tears and fears
Burrowing just beneath
Oya has come again with change now

Not tomorrow though,
Tomorrow when you will have asked
How are you?
Not feeling very strong i’ll tell you as the laughter rises
Just as well, i feel free and just perfect
With being
A living woman

Friday, 14 March 2014

I’m here, I’m here, I’m going again, I’m going again

Nothing is worse than breaking your own heart

I used to think it was bad when some one else did
Then I came across you, and I saw, you did everything
All you thought would make sense, should make sense
Didn't, not to me, nor to you even
Not the kiss before midnight,
The knowing glance, glances, brushes past thighs,
The keen kisses, grazes on my collar bone, that which sends me in to disarray


Except I’m not here, I can’t reach you, you cling to my hair,
I gasp and realise, not even this,
Not the sweet, desperate, pleading thrusts at the witching hour
When it’s easier to show erzulie into your presence
Would you know how to act, if she came through me to you now?
As we dance in the dark, oshun bearing parting gifts, open circle
My waist beads jiggle, swerve, and swing to this rhythm

This dance known to all, but now lost to us
I’m here, I’m here, I’m going again, I’m going again,
I'm at the abyss, the abyss is coming nearer, it's empty, it seeks me
I’m losing you even though we in this moment are face to face
You are losing me even though in that moment you are in the depths of my inner being
Not my heart, there’s a tiger its walls

The one below

Though from this prayer, she may have found a new home
My knees buckle, I’m here, I’m here, I heard you
I turn to reach for you and find you asleep. Clothed.
I felt it. I shudder, you stir and mumble my name

That night I cry myself to sleep unsure of what I’m feeling
And I know there’s nothing worse than breaking your own heart
I don't know who i am, i don't know who you are either